It has been some time since I've written personal updates on this blog.
It was an interesting experiment making myself vulnerable enough to write about very personal processes that I have been undergoing through the past year. It was always my belief that we are all going through some of these places. To verbalize these spaces however, exposes us. It does make us vulnerable.
It is a strange world we live in, the cultural conditioning runs so deep. We are living made up lives, living in castles made of sand or cloud. It is all very ephemeral. We are all going to die. Yet, the beauty, the complexity, the depth of what we are and what we live...
I hold no grudges against those who judged or maneuvered against me during this last year as I exposed myself more and more. In fact, I am a lot stronger now. In accepting my own role in determining my life, external projections take less meaning. Especially when I see them for what they are. Then, only compassion arises.
I recognize, after much forgetting and then re-remembering, that it is only I who controls my destiny.
It is not astrology, it is not others or their opinions, it is not circumstances, it is not God's will, it is not fate.
Regardless of what happens to me in this life, it is only I who have the power to decide how to receive information that arises in my mind or 'externally'. It is only I who can cause action to occur in the way that I so desire.
How refreshing. And yet, for that part of me that forgets, how terrifying.
To navigate the constantly arising terror and depression of that part of me who forgets is the practice. It is constant.
The conditioning is not so much due to external forces but rather how I have chosen to react to those very forces throughout my life.
I can say, "oh its so hard," or "if only this or that", or "when this then that" or "well its just due to this/that" or any number of other excuses.
But the fact remains, that these are all just fabrications/creations of my mind.
What do I want to create?
To sit on the bindu of all creation is neither easy nor hard. In fact, to take any perspective of it at all causes a potential movement which can have vast repercussions.
Personally, just so some of you know, as I know that many of you care, I am doing ok.
Some days anyway.
The days I remember who I am and where I am standing.
The days that I remember that it is me that is actually driving the car.
Other days I forget. Then I am a 'victim' or I fall prey to believing that others, culture, society actually has it all right and that somehow I am not perfect just as I am. Those days are like walking through a thick swamp.
Then somehow I realize it is all my story. I remember.
Vigilance is the main thing that causes me to remember. Well, there is also what I think of as grace. Like a gift from the sky. I can't claim to understand that exactly... It is interesting that prayer is often answered. The prayer comes from my intention though. So is grace due to vigilance? I'll leave that for the moment...
I am female. And I am male. Does it matter? It does in the moment that I choose it. It might matter a lot. In other moments there is just clear sky. Or perhaps it is a stormy day. Either way, it is ok.
One thing I know, and I know this for sure now.
To love one's self is the most important thing.
We cannot truly love others until we really love ourselves. How long I avoided this ... this... love.
Loving ourselves is loving God. It is loving the bindu. It is loving the source out of which all of our actions and thoughts arises. It is loving the very thing which appreciates beauty. It is loving the thing itself which loves.
This is not some egoistic thing I'm saying but rather the very thing which will set us free. Well, I suppose I can only speak for myself but I will say that for me it is powerful. There has been nothing comparable to it so far.
What do we want to create today? What is the feeling we want to feel? What is the life we want to live? Do we seek endlessly for ever shifting goals or for answers to questions that are only manifesting as a result of our inherent power? Can we recognize our own power and where we are actually standing in this moment? Where we are always standing whether we realize it or not? Can we love that which is standing there at that pinnacle?
I choose in this moment to love my self. Again. And again. And again. And I begin to smile at what arises from that self.
For it is good.