We hear it often said that when one door closes, another
door opens.
I suppose it’s finally time to write again. It’s been so
long. There have been many times over the past year when I’ve tried to write
and then just ended up discarding page after page. I suppose it wasn’t the
time.
Today, strangely is my father’s 75th
birthday (I love you Dad, I wish you were still here in your sweet body).
Today also marks
the end of an era for me.
This morning was the last early morning immersion class I
will be teaching for the near foreseeable future.
Why is this significant? I have been teaching these classes
for literally almost 20 years with little to no break. Monday through Friday,
for years I’ve gotten up at 4, done my practice and gone in to teach.
I started teaching early morning immersions right here in
Seattle at the Yoga Tree (the original one started by Kathryn Payne, major bow
to you by the way). That was sometime in 1997 I believe.
I kept teaching monthly up until the time I moved to
Portland in 2000 and then continued my early morning immersions there. I taught
the early morning classes Monday through Friday all the way through 2009, when
I moved with my family to New Mexico.
I taught early mornings in Santa Fe up through 2013 until we
again moved back to Seattle, where I picked them up again.
And now we are here in 2016. My early morning students are
only a handful of the numbers they once were.
I could blame my low numbers of this past year on the modern
state of yoga but I won’t do that. If anything the last few years have been a
reflection of me.
I’ve had a hard time since leaving New Mexico. Hell, my life
has been difficult since about 2007, in Portland. So many developments in my
life…
Moving countless times, divorce, separation from my
children, and working through the transition of a very strange gender journey…
For those students that have stuck with me through this
crazy ride, I thank you with the deepest gratitude. Sometimes I’ve wondered why
the hell you keep coming back for more…. Lol. I know I can be difficult at
times. I do think I’ve mellowed out and changed however. Time has tempered me.
My transformation has tempered me. So thank you. Thank you so damn much. I
would have to say I’ve probably learned a lot more from you than you have from
me. I am so filled with gratitude for you.
For those students and friends that got fed up with me and
left, I thank you with the deepest gratitude. Why? Because you’ve taught me
things, not always immediately perceptible, but sometimes only after years in
reflection… I’m not an easy friend. I’m sometimes a person of vast apparent
contradiction. I just wanted to let you know that I acknowledge you and am
grateful for your lessons. Thank you.
For those students who still aren’t done with me. We are
never really done are we? Life always has more to teach us… I’m still here. I’m
still teaching a couple times a week. A little more on this at the end of this
piece…
A little fill in, for those who have been following me. I
haven’t updated my life in some time…
Last year, as some of you know, I changed my name finally. I
still haven’t changed it legally, but I hope to soon. After moving out of my
apartment last year and moving in with Brandy (my sweet love, kiss kiss), I
fell into a deeper depression. A big part of me was still contracted around who
I was, where I wanted to go, how I wanted to live.
Sometime around summer of last year I began to shave my body
daily and wear more feminine clothes. You might argue that this has nothing to
do with actually being female and perhaps you are right. However, I needed
these daily rituals and external reminders to help myself be ok on some level with
not being male. It was like baby steps. There was something about the ritual of
it which helped me as well. All I ever saw before in the mirror was someone who
was not me… Gender dysphoria can be so intense and I wonder if those who do not
have it can ever truly understand its magnitude.
So my daily rituals and changes began to help with my
depression and anxiety. Then I changed my name. At this point, for the first
time in so long (we are talking years and years) I began to actually feel like
I could see light. My life for so long has been a dark tunnel. Sure I have the
yoga, sure I can rest in my essential nature, but the arisings within that
eternal space had been filled with such darkness.
So light began to shine. I decided to poke my head into
uncharted waters. I started off slowly with herbal hormones, phyto-estrogens. I
began to feel even better. There is much to say of this time…
Finally I took the leap off of the cliff which I had been so
afraid of, so ashamed of for so long. I got health insurance (thank you
Washington State, thank you tax payers, I’m really really grateful…) and I
began hormone replacement therapy.
It was a little rocky at first but as of today I feel better
than I have felt in so long. So long…
Right around the time I started taking hormones last fall,
something sparked in me. I realized that the time had come to change it up. I
was tired of making 15 thousand dollars a year. I had been living in poverty
for years now. The yoga world has changed. So much…
I realized that if I was to change it up I needed a new
career. I had been bending my mind around this for so long.
Then one day it hit me. Back in my early teens and high
school years, once upon a time, I used to enjoy computer coding. So I started
again. I began to do online courses. I finished some online courses. I applied
to an immersive school for computer coding. I got in. I am currently applying
to another school (so I have multiple options).
If all goes according to plan and the Goddess continues to
shine her blessing, I will start school in the fall. Depending on which school
I pick, a few different roads will open up. I feel good about this. Really
good… It feels good to know that I will be able to support my children.
What about the yoga? Well, what about it?
I still practice every day. I could tell you that new doors
are opening all the time there. The hallway of open doors that appeared to me 5
years ago is still there. I just open them a little more carefully now.
What about teaching?
I will continue to teach a very limited schedule through
July of this year. I will most likely take off 6 months to a year of teaching
starting in August. From there on out, I cannot say.
As of right now, I will continue to do call in conference calls every Friday morning at 6:15 am Pacific Time for studies in the Yoga Vasistha. We've been doing that since 2001 and I really don't want to stop. :)
I have ideas and plans still to produce more video. The
video that I already did shoot, I plan to make public soon.
Lets just say that I don’t think I’m done with teaching. On
the contrary, I think this is just the beginning of a much deeper phase.
There is a lot I cannot see right now. I am going on faith,
a deep feeling. But I know that it will all lead to a powerful good place.
I will most likely pick up writing again soon. I actually
may finish that book at some point. I will say that when that time comes, the
time will be right.
Is this an ending or a beginning? Is there a difference?
Many blessings to you all... My heart is filled with love
and gratitude for you.
Maddie
